A Day With Dick by Sam Kistler

“Mr. Cheney! Mr Cheney! You’ve done it again.”

“What?”

“You blew the guy’s face off.”

“Oh shit, not again.”

“Sir, I’m afraid you did. Hey Leroy! Send out another lawyer!”

“Yeah. How many does that make?”

“Uh, sir, were you seeing the silver monkeys again?”

“Yes, I was.”

“Here, take these.”

“Hey, do you think we should send some flowers or something? What are we gonna tell the press?”

“Don’t sweat it, sir, we got his DNA yesterday. A replacement is already online.”

“Well, what should we do with the body?”

“Nothing. As soon as we clear the grounds, we’ll let the dingos out. They’ll pick his bones clean. You know, less evidence that way.”

“Makes sense. I’m kind of upset about that lawyer. He was a good friend. I think...”

“Well sir, maybe if you didn’t make them walk so closely behind you, and you used the safety.”

“Nonsense.”

“Okay sir, here’s the new lawyer. Now please, sir, this time watch your step.”

“Do you have his DNA on file?”

“No sir. He’s young, single, comes from a small family. If an incident arises it would probably be more economical to just take care of his whole family. You know, cloning is so expensive.”

“That’s what I like about you, Danny. You’re always thinking about the bottom line.”

“Sir, watch out for that hole.”

“Sir?”

“What?”

“You did that on purpose, didn’t you?”

“What? I stepped in a hole and twisted my ankle. Then my gun went off. It was a hunting accident. Happens all the time. Damn tragedy, though.”

“Hey, that blast got him good. I can’t even tell where his ears were.”

"Yeah, he looks kind of peaceful now. But I’m glad he’s gone. I could tell by the way he held his gun that he was shifty. He looked nervous, for some reason.”

“Too bad we haven’t seen any quail today.”

“Why? Are we running low on lawyers? Hey, Danny.”

“Yeah.”

“What’s a quail?”

“Leroy! send out another lawyer!”

“Hey, there’s one of those damn monkeys.”

“Sir, don’t shoot, that’s W.”

“Damn, too late. Do you have his DNA on file?”

“No one will ever know the difference. Sir, do you think we should call it a day?”

“Yeah, it’s been a good day.”

“Leroy! Release the dingos!”

Sam Kistler lives in Asheville and Colorado, but owns only one home. His life-long flirtation with motorcross ended recently after he dislocated all five toes and broke several bones in his right foot. He has yet to sell his motorcycle. He does not hunt.